Crazy Plastic Couches are Cool

(look at that alliteration)

backstreet's back... okay, it's just me
Um, hello. This is awkward. The other day I had a random string of thoughts that led me to this one: "Remember when I had that livejournal? ...plasticcouch?" and here I am. I just read every entry from 2004 to 2008, when I was last actively writing here.

Ten years. It's been close to ten years since I first started this little bitty journal, ten year exactly is you count the Blurty I had before it (oh no, now I have to track that down...) back when a "blog" was only a certain website and, as I pointed out in one of my entries, wearing ties as belts was considered the "in" thing to do. Woah, Nelly.

Rico (yep, he's still kickin') is snoring on the bed that I bought for our dog, Knox. I am married. It's so weird to know that, when I post this, an entry with the words, "I am married" will be in the same universe as, "I've never felt like I was going to get married or ever really wanted to." It's so strange - the mixture of so many things that have not even begun to change swirled in with all the things that have metamorphosed dramatically since my high school and even college years.

The one that has changed though, even from 2004 to 2006 as I saw it, is the utter fearlessness with which I could write. And the imagination and the ferocity and the quirkiness. I had heard about that thing that happens, that when you get old your soul dies or what not, but to actually have physical evidence of it here is creepy to say the least.

Livejournal no longer asks me what music I'm listening to as I write this. How rude. For the record, I'm listening to Rico's snoring. You already knew that. I am also offended that livejournal thinks its own name is misspelled here with its spell check. Sillyness. Also, where are all my old friends and their journals?? They just got ousted and I have to magically remember each weird random name if I want to read their old entries? Seriously? Rude.

Anywoo. I'm out like an outtie belly button, for old time's sake. :) Maybe I'll find my way back here again soon.

(no subject)
After all this time, I'm still the scientist. Lame.

love like mine.
Like anyone would be, I am flattered by your fascination with me.
Like any hot-blooded woman, I have simply wanted an object to crave.
But you, you're not alone. You're uninvited. An unfortunate slight...

Must be strangely exciting to watch the stoic squirm.
Must be somewhat heartening to watch shepherd meet shepherd.
But you're not allowed, you're uninvited. An unfortunate slight.

Like any unchartered territory, I must seem greatly intriguing.
You speak of my love like you have experienced love like mine before.
But this is not allowed. You're uninvited, an unfortunate slight!

I don't think you unworthy... I need a moment to deliberate.

(no subject)
I thought I'd try this thing out again, mainly because I left my journal in my car and I don't feel like going and getting it.

I am inducing a spiritual detox. I've gone numb, and with the numbness, ironically, has come an overflow of painful emotions of the past, and fears based on this past, which I had so successfully given away to the positive winds of faith. This moment of ungodliness has driven me to boundaries I had sworn I'd never again come within miles of, let alone breach like I've been doing lately. I don't want to get close to that old, ghost of a human, and I sure in hell don't want anyone close to me to see it. I feel a bit broken and lost. But I know that if I just ask, things can be undone.

Jesus, your loving kindness is better than life itself, better than life itself

(no subject)
To end the misery that has afflicted the human condition for thousands of years, you have to start with yourself and take responsibility for you inner state at any given moment. That means now.

Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at this moment.

Nothing ever happened in the past that can prevent you from being present now; and if the past cannot prevent you from being present now, what power does it have?

(no subject)
and when i see you
i really see you upside down
but my brain knows better
it picks you up and turns you around
turns you around

if you feel discouraged
that there´s a lack of color here
please don´t worry lover
it´s really bursting at the seems
for absorbing everything
the spectrum a to z

this is fact not fiction
for the first time in years
all the girls in every girlie magazine can´t make me feel
any less alone
i´m reaching for the phone

to call at 7:03, and on your machine i slur a plee
for you to come home
but i know it´s too late
i should have given you a reason to stay

this is fact not fiction... for the first time.

(no subject)
i want to stay right here, until the end of time, until the earth stops turning.

please god, don't let me go backwards.

(no subject)
Ha, the last two entries are such contradictions.
That's all I really wanted to say.

(no subject)
It is so apparent to me, at 1:20am on a Sunday that I have changed more in the past year than in the entire course of the life before it. I am steering clear toward the woman I've always wanted to be. Sure there are a million fantasies that never got realized but I have the rest of my life for that. I think I got the important things down first.

I have this image in my mind lately of a huge green hill and big round oak trees saturated in a setting sun, white dandelion heads giving way to the wind and no one around for miles. I think that's where I'm at right now. It's been hard to let anyone get too close. I don't really know why but it's not my normal way of doing things. I normally will let you get as close as you want if you really understand what you're doing. This is perplexing. However, the scene from out here is quite immaculate and serene.

I do not want to know what I want, I want to remember who knows what I need. And tonight I do.

give me fat boy's famous arrow.
I don't know where I'm going. I feel more and more lately like I'm finding something really close to my true self, and then I have moments like this where it's almost like I'm being possessed by negativity. It won't last too long but I feel so down and I'm missing things from the past that I know deep down are not things I really need.

Who ever created the idea of feelings being important things to follow? In the past three years I've had so many different directions pulling me in the guises of different feelings and now I'm call them out. What the hell are you? Who do you think you are? And why are you doing this to me?

All the things I used to want and dream about now scare the bejeebies out of me (yes, that's an amazing word) and all the things I thought I'd never in a million years feel are now the core of my philosophy. It's as if I was born my true self, and with every year that passes, I lose a bit of myself. I get lost in the shuffle and I am so easily chipped away and eroded until all that's going to be left is a mushy little playdough Vanessa who knows her name and maybe her social security number.

Whyyyyy can't we be born old and grow younger?


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